SOUND FX
A passing car blaring its horn.
MUSIC
“Noire #3” by MusicByPedro
ALEX:
(narrating) It was going to be just another night on the Big Internet. Just me and a bottle of Crème de Cacao, heading down whatever dark rabbithole the YouTube algorithm would take me. That’s how you kill time when you’re in my line of work. What’s my angle? I’m Alexander Scott. I produce podcasts.
They say there’s 8 billion stories out there, and nearly as many podcasts to tell them on. Too many podcasts, if you ask me. There oughta be a law. But then again, I need the work.
SOUND FX:
Another car HONKS in the distance.
ALEX:
Where was I? Oh yeah. I was two fingers deep into the Marie Brizzard, having a good chuckle at a Tik Tok compilation of cats taking baths. That’s when I was rattled from my stupor by a ring on the blower.
SOUND FX:
A phone RINGS.
ALEX: Someone was blowin’ up my phone.
ELSA:
(over phone) ‘Eyyyyy!
ALEX:
(narrating) It was Elsa Eli, a butch rabble rouser with a bum leg and they/them pronouns. I’ve hacked for them before; they’re a reliable source for work, and for marijuana edibles.
ALEX:
(over phone) What’s the rumpus, E?
ELSA:
The twist. She’s gone missing, Al.
ALEX:
(narrating) They said.
ALEX:
(to ELSA) You gotta be more precise with your pronouns, E. That could be anyone. You’ve humped and dumped half the bi-curious dames in this town.
ELSA:
I mean Coree, man. The co-host of our show!
ALEX:
(narrating) Right, Coree Spencer. That scrappy dollface had a real knack for finding trouble. When she’s not getting squirrelly on her ADHD meds, she’s picking fights with Proud Boys. Can’t say I don’t admire her tenacity.
ELSA:
Coree don’t answer my texts or nothin’. Sounds like her Adderall prescription didn’t refill, and she’s detoxing bad.
ALEX:
(to ELSA) Have you checked the local gin joints? The flop houses? The rubber rooms?
ELSA:
Nah. I just called you.
ALEX:
Did you even try checking on her at home?
ELSA:
Nah, man. You’re supposed to be producing our damn podcast. Go produce my damn co-host, ya flatfoot.
ALEX:
(narrating) It’s true, I’ve got flat feet. But they didn’t need to rub it in. A fella can’t help coming up bust in the genetic lottery. But despite my chronic orthotic pain, I took it on the heel and toe over to the Spencer residence.
MUSIC
“The Black Cat” by Aaron Kenny
ALEX:
(narrating) That’s where I found the dame, slumped on the couch watching Bachelorette reruns. She had one hand on her kitty and the other on her pet cat, Milford, with a dazed look on her puss.
ALEX:
(to COREE) All right, sister. What’s the rumpus?
COREE:
What’s it to you, palooka?
ALEX:
You got a lot of dicks out searching for you. Namely Elsa’s strap-on. Word is you bunked off from the big show. That’s gonna lose a lot of cabbage for a lot of Big Cheeses. Namely your Patreons.
COREE:
Wait, were we supposed to record the podcast? Shit, dude. I am out of it. I’ve been off of Adderall for days.
ALEX:
Yeah, if I’m being honest, this whole week kinda got away from me. I keep getting distracted and wasting hours on YouTube.
COREE:
Y’know, you probably fit the profile for ADHD yourself. Do you lose track of time a lot?
ALEX:
Yeah.
COREE:
Do you get hyperfixated on stuff?
ALEX:
I pulled out like 8 different crime noir books just to get the slang right for this script.
COREE:
I can tell! Do you get lost and distracted in conversations, like this?
ALEX:
Sometimes? Usually I just talk too long and people kinda cut me off—
COREE:
Yeah! See? You should probably get tested.
ALEX:
I guess? I mean, I don’t know what being on Adderall is like. Nobody ever, like, offers it to me at parties. Uh, can I bum one off you, just to try?
COREE:
No, dude! I just told you I don’t have any. Jesus, get your shit together. See a fuckin’ doctor!
ALEX:
(narrating) The dame had a point. I’d been letting my problems fester, bottled up like last week’s goulash. Maybe I’m just scared to get my head shrunk and make myself vulnerable. Criminy, is that why my internal monologue is this affected 1940s hardboiled detective schtick? Am I dissociating? This is a lot to deal with all at once.
SOUND FX
A passing police siren blares.
ALEX:
Where was I? Oh yeah. I was gonna go watch more funny cat videos. That’s the rumpus.
MUSIC
“Noire #3” by MusicByPedro
ELSA:
Hey everyone. Thanks for letting us indulge in this little departure. We’ll be back next week with an all new episode. In the meantime, be sure to follow us on all our social media for updates and clips, and subscribe to our Patreon for exclusive bonus content.
And by the way, Coree has a book, co-created with Emily Niland, called I’m Not OK, You’re Not OK! Look for it on Indie Bound dot com, or anywhere books are sold.
And you can follow my history and activism project, Slavers of New York, on Twitter at @SlaversOfNY.
